you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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