I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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