I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
