All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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