YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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