Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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