My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
