i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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