I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
