I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
