btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My ass is underappreciated
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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