I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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