What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
