then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What a dumb baby whore.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
