i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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