The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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