im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have fence marks all over my body
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
