It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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