I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
