You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
