P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
