Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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