look no pants
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
