im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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