I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
