Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
