Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
