Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
