If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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