Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
