Banned from zoo.
Again?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
