I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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