he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
