i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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