I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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