i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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