I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
