I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
