i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
