M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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