It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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