I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
