apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
