I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
