Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
