dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
