Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
