i think my tv is drunk
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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