I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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