I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
