I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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