If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
