A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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